My Challenge to Living a Life of Freedom
So this is day one of a 10 day blog challenge which I am doing because of the incredible number of half finished blogs I have saved on my desktop. I am someone who loves to write, whose darkest moments have pulsed with poetry. I love to take words beyond their own boundaries and in my moments of crisis it is writing that has saved me by taking me beyond the boundaries of my own pain. That said, when I am in a good place, my love affair with words gets put at the bottom of my to do list. I hope that this challenge will be kindling for a new way of writing, one that is from joy instead of need.
The first question of this challenge is what are your biggest blocks to living a life of freedom?
Freedom is something that I feel I have. I am self employed and choose when I work, I travel often, I am doing my dream job, I am deeply grateful for my life that I love. The consciousness work have done, is paying off in beautiful way. That said, our horizons travel with us so there is always more to heal. For me consciousness healing is archaeological process, beliefs are often buried on top of each other. I have many blocks, some are more uncovered than others, some have been fully excavated from my life, others are still buried in my desert memories. Like all good digs, you find a block and then must spend months sometimes years digging deeper in order to get the full picture.
One of the biggest blocks I am working through at the moment is that I am a work alcoholic; this is often the ‘curse of self employment” you work harder because it is your baby, you work because you never quite know what the next few months will bring, you work harder because there is no ‘going home time.’ I am from a family of self employed over-workers. During the heartache of my teenage-hood my dad’s most common advice to my dramas said in his cavernous american voice was ”Kate, you just need to throw yourself into your work. ” I saw my family work 365 days a year, they work on Christmas day… so working hard is very much my normal.
At the end of last year I was stopped from working, my spirit guides held an intervention! With horror I faced not working, looking deep into the emotions and belief systems around this ‘crazy concept’ I realised that work made me feel worthy. I have slowly been unlearning the belief that if you don't work hard, ever so hard, you are not worthy of good things. I have been witness to my desperate fears and feelings of unworthiness. I have loved them anyway. I have slowly started to let my self be worthy, without bone exhaustion. I have started to unstitch my life and work hours and both are better for it. So things are changing.
There are however times when I catch myself in the habit of working too hard. I no longer overload myself with work actions and hours. However I still struggle with mentally letting go of work. The Maternal- womb- love I have for my business makes me want to “keep checking on it,” which thanks to smart phones is all too easy to do. I know that all is better when I don’t over work, I have seen the many rewards of rest, play and letting go and yet sometime detaching feels so hard.
This block is half healed because there is still a part of me that sometime succumbs to my work,work,work,work,work addiction. I know because I stop listening to myself in those moments. The energy of my work intention changes, it becomes a flogging and a longing in one. I have been slipping into this energy in the last few weeks. I can feel the dizziness in my mind, and sense the strain it is having on my relationship. So I guess it is time to dig deep, again, to see what is beneath the need to be worthy, to go into the darksand that hides below what I already know. I am happy to though, I know how much freer I will become when I find the next belief that creates this block . Time for new archaeological finds!
“This blog post is in response to Natalie’s 10 Day Freedom Plan Blog Challenge Day 1 [http://suitcaseentrepreneur.com/10DBC-Day-1]